ThatOldFlame: Intuition is There, Even When My Vision’s Impaired. Yeah. #AMuseD

12046597_880484045375970_5186265582651648527_nSo I’m convinced that a woman’s intuition while definitely developed over time, is something she is born with. She sees and feels things without a full understanding of why. She may be drawn towards something or her actions might be a call for attention to something (or someone) and the reasoning is more intuitive than it is to be explained. I think that ‘inner voice’ that attempts to lead us subconsciously before we act physically is born into us. I don’t believe that the explained phenomenon of woman’s intuition comes into our spirits in a similar time-confined manner such as the introduction to puberty.

Something happens in the moment we exit the safety net of our mother’s womb and enter into a world unknown. Maybe the stars line up in a triangle formation and then collide, and the dust particles trickle from space and land in the open pores of a baby girl; maybe that is me being extra. Who will ever really know what age it begins to develop? But in my experiences, I have learned that a Woman’s Intuition is inherently born into her. It’s an energetic force that leaves mental footprints only. And backed by this notion, I believe a young girl is able to act upon her intuition. She may not know the complete ‘whys’ and the younger she is, the less a chance for an understanding of her own ‘intuition, but that’s the allure about it all; sometimes it acts on its own accord. Our intuition is a guiding voice that presents itself in one of two ways: either it instinctively/unconsciously guides our actions OR it presents its case and we consciously decide whether or not to take heed.

*Chelsea and I had gone to my mother’s house one day. I think this was after I had dropped the bomb to her that we would soon be permanently parting ways, yet as I do so well, I continued at a slow pace towards making that a reality. I had packed things but had nowhere to take them and was pretending the answer would fall into my lap. At the time, it hadn’t fallen. And I was still playing the role of girlfriend & stepmom with no ring. As of this trip to my mother’s place, a great deal of information had come to light and I was now aware of the name and work (strip club) of the young lady my ‘man’ had been fucking. I was actually hoping to successfully play myself; I wanted to believe that they were just fucking. And even if that were true it was still unacceptable! But I knew him and I knew there was more to it than sex. After all, that’s how I got him. Same job, same demonstration….different face. This time, I was the girlfriend at home and not the side chick at the club.

As we were walking into the front door and talking about who knows what, Chelsea said a name, in reference to me, only it wasn’t my damn name!!! It was the ‘the other woman’s’ name. o.O This caught me completely off guard. I don’t remember what she was saying but for sake of this blog, I’ll pose a hypothetical conversation so you can see what I mean:

“Me: Chelsea, I thought I told you not to leave any trash in your room anymore because the dog will eat it and get sick?
Chelsea: You did, I’m sorry Tiana, I mean Kendria !!”

We were walking into my mom’s house and I was so surprised that I just tried to brush it off. I thought to myself ‘does this little girl not know my name anymore? Is this possible? Did she just call me TheOtherWoman tho? Did this child, that I’ve been helping to raise AS MY OWN, just call me the other woman’s name? “

So many questions and emotions ran through my body and somewhat ruined the visit with my mom. At least two more times and once in front of my mother she called me the other chick’s name and cleaned it up really quick. By the time she said it in front of my mom, embarrassing and exposing my private life, I was full blown shitty and my face couldn’t hide it. I don’t remember the ride home or what I said to her, if anything.
She wasn’t my actual daughter so I played my role on the tightrope with eyes open. I was aware that I couldn’t just talk to her in any way I wanted to, so I think I probably chose to say nothing. I did say something to her father, who was pissed and cussed her out rather than taking accountability for what was happening. She cried when she apologized to me. I can only imagine what he said to her.

The little girl that I cared for, loved and adored had repeatedly called me another woman’s name. My mind could not find a place where this was acceptable. Was she doing it deliberately? There was no fucking way you don’t know my damn name little girl!! How could you? And in front of my mother? Why?

I was hurt. But I couldn’t really focus on why she would say that because I was stuck on the how. How did she know this other woman’s name? Because she had been around her, that’s why. She had spent time with her…. Enough time with her to remember her name. The time she wasn’t with me, she was with her. Laughing, smiling, having a good time. Not thinking about me. I felt double cheated on by father and daughter.

After all I had done- all I had selflessly given and poured into this facade of a family and this was my reward? He not only cheats on me, but he takes his daughter along to cheat too? He takes MY daughter to another woman?

I carried a grudge for years afterward. It was hard for me to get over that. I knew she was just a baby, but she was an 8-year-old baby that knew the difference between me and another woman. At the time and for those years later, I couldn’t get beyond that point. In fact, I was no longer trying to ‘get it’ when one day it just hit me: Intuition.

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A Woman’s Intuition. What if we’re born with it? That would mean it can be activated at any time….or at least any logical time. Chelsea is my proof. The entire time that I was hurt and when I stifled that hurt into a grudge in my backpack, I was in my ‘ego’ stage. What my sisterfriend refers to as ‘operating out of the lower self’. I thought Chelsea was trying to be funny. Or hurtful. I thought SHE was out to ‘get’ ME. Why? After all the love I showered with, enough so for her to call me mommy, why would she out to get me or hurt me? Where had I disappointed her for such early age vengeance?

In cocooning outside of a ‘lowered self’ and coming into a raised awareness, minus my ego, I finally got it. She wasn’t trying to hurt me; she was ‘alerting’ me. At 8 years old, she was more than likely unconsciously conscious in her endeavors but she was old enough to know what she was doing. In other words, she knew some shit wasn’t right and she wanted me to know and using a not-yet-ripened instinct, she thought by calling me the other woman’s name (insert answer).

* Maybe she thought it would come to light and I’d get ‘Tiana’ out the way.
*Or maybe she wanted me to not be blindsided and hurt.

Maybe all of this is a big ass jump over the Mountains of Conclusions, but there was something more to such a purposeful act than hurting me. I definitely think she wanted me to know that she had been around another woman. Her father earned the rights to his prior THREE girlfriend’s hearts this same way, with her in tow. Perhaps at 8 years old, she didn’t want to see another woman crippled and defeated in that way. She knew by then that once she gets taken to ‘the other woman’s’ house, the main chick was on her way out. I could be right and it could all be her young woman’s instinct; she was probably unaware how deep it ran subconsciously. A Woman’s Instinct is born into us but we need time, age, wisdom and knowledge to learn how to navigate and use it before we act. She just knew she had to ACT NOW! I couldn’t see that or feel any of this then. I didn’t know how to talk to her or what to say after it happened so the Q&A session that probably should have happened between me and her never did. I remember now…where this notion derived from. It was after a text from her father who wanted me to know she said that I was always her ‘favorite’ and she will always love me (she’ll be 21 in Nov). I loved her like my child. I did. Clearly she loved me. We were connected. And her instinct, her 8-year-old woman’s instinct broke through her toy box and told her she needed to do something. She was never trying to hurt me; she loved me too much for that.

She was using nature’s tool. Intuition. It HAS to be born into us. We simply learn how to use it with time; just like it took me time to understand this.

Thank you, Chelsea!
No Blogtrack today, but I do have a lyric by JayZ:

“Intuition is there, even when my vision’s impaired. Yeah.”

jae

~j, 1653Words #GoalOf1500 #AMuseD #MuseChelsea