I want you so bad
I’ll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it
I’m scared you’ll forget about me”
~Edge of Desire, John Mayer
I’ve blogged to this song but today is less a somber blog and more of a declaration. I hope this blog reaches my readers right in the thick of your hand held mirrors. I hope this reminds you. Remembers you. Speaks to and for you. I hope this is the blog that you read and say to yourself ‘you know what…she’s fucking right!!!”
Last week’s comeback blog was all about a particular line from “Being MaryJane’’, what that line means to me and what changes have occurred in my life since the last time I blogged. I had so much more to say than what I did so I decided to make this a two part blog and so here I am w/part deux!
“You deserve more than just an I Love You”
Words spoken from the lips of Mary Jane’s brother as and MJ had a back and forth about love and all its trials and situations. Of course, that line jolted me from where I stood. How could it not? That is the thing we ALL need to hear as women. Unless we were taught what to look for in a mate and how to recognize the wrong ones, we all need to hear it. Hell, even if we have been given the necessary tools for relationshipping with another, we still need to hear those words or some derivative of them: YOU DESERVE MORE THAN JUST AN I LOVE YOU.
When I think of this John Mayer song, and how true it fit into my life from the moment I first heard it until somewhere in 2014 as #MuseWeasel was falling off of me, I realize this song, particularly the quoted lyrics, are exactly what is at the other end of the statement Mary Jane’s brother spoke. When all you chase is the I LOVE YOU, not the action, you end up with these John Mayer songs as your way of thinking. “I want you so bad, I’ll go back on the things I believe” – because isn’t that what we do? Don’t we say ‘yeah he cheated but I believe him when he says he wants to do right by me?’ Don’t we give more and more chances when the lines that were crossed were unthinkable? Ever seen a woman take a man back who had a side/break baby? Or stay with someone who is abusive (all forms of abuse)? What about a man who ain’t holding his weight around the house or relationship? What about people we KNOW for a fact (because they have provided us w/all the facts we need) are WRONG for us but we still find ourselves falling helplessly and lovingly in their arms, wearing acceptance as our crown and stifling our true beliefs about who/what our significant other should be? This is all a chase of an I Love You. Then once you yourself are in love, regardless of how that I love you has begun to sound, to save self from hurt, sometimes, you stay put. You stay put and cradle your love and a bushel of hope in your arms pretending like it can salvage what’s really beneath the mask.
We’ve all done it. We’ve all chosen from the half-off-free (yes, I mean that as in half off free, which is less than free) bin of love in hopes that just for a moment we could be at peace and share that peace with someone who has helped us get there. But if a person is wrong for you, no matter how scared you are that they will forget you (as I have been many times) or how many personal desires you can stifle, they will still and forever be wrong for you. Nothing you do can change that unless your choice is to alter yourself – needs & wants – all together.
I was so scared ….make that terrified that I would be forgotten by the original muse of this blog that all I could do was flood his inbox after the fact with questions, comments, going from zero to 100 niggarealquick, just to get a response from him. When he didn’t respond, I got even more terrified. When he did respond, I felt some awkward and uncomfortable ease; like I wasn’t forgotten when the truth is, the moment he started a relationship with another woman, I was certified forgotten. It took forever to let it go; to get over being forgotten when I tried so hard to be memorable. In a life of people who walk up to me and remember poems I did back in the early 2000s, here I was faced w/someone who didn’t remember that I was a real person and/or that I loved him right then. I was stuck in a spin cycle of my own creating for the whole year. I could have saved myself by simply adhering to words that I wouldn’t actually be exposed to until nearly two years later: “You deserve more than a I love you”.
So what if he forgets you?
I remember the excitement I thought of at the mere hope that he would trade those words out with me.
I wanted to expose my ears to his voice giving me what I thought I needed. He never did. When he finally mentioned love and me in the same sentence, it was after the fact and he assured me that our love was not created equal. But how could they be? I was acting in love with the hope that I would hear love in return. I didn’t seek the action. If I had of sought the action of love, I would have left him alone before we got to the levees breaking because his actions were never grounded in respect for me. He could have never acted in love or given me the love I needed. ALL he could do was TELL me ‘I love you’. I would have to do the rest. I would have to be the Queen and the King.
I don’t know if, had I heard this statement during, before or even right after him (or any of them), that it would have resonated the way it did when I heard it two weeks ago. Idk if the new man in my life who has yet to show me any reason to NOT believe in him has anything to do with it being an easy to understand concept. But what I know is that it’s not limited to just me or the fictional Mary Jane. It’s one of the truest statements I’ve ever heard regarding love and so here’s what I want you to know:
You (the reader), deserve more than an I love you. I love you sounds pretty. It can be ear orgasmic and beautiful for the mind (on the surface at least) but a shallow I love you that is not grounded with action-based love, respect of love languages or eagerness to learn and grow together is just three words. That’s it. It won’t go beyond that. The other person can say it until they are blue in the face and if there is no true soul-binding love being shared, all you will ever feel is what it’s like to be cut all over by letters that gathered together to form a lie. This blog is just words until I act like I wrote it. I can write a blog a week for the next year and it can be full of prolific entries and ideas, but if those entries and ideas don’t make it past the blog shares and into the day to day actions of my life, then I will forever be writing this blog, making the same mistakes and LISTENING for an I Love You.
That’s the other thing I’ve learned: ‘I love you’ is heard. Someone loving you or you loving someone is felt.
To feel is an action just like to hear is an action, but you can hear without feeling. You (the reader) deserve to feel. You deserve to see the love held for you. Fuck your ears. What if one of the senses was removed??? Love transcends ALL senses, so when you can’t hear, you can feel. When you can’t see, you can feel. When you can’t taste it, you can touch it.
You can’t smell love; but you CAN smell bullshit. So if you’re smelling something that you think is love, what you are actually experiencing is probably a bed of roses. Thorny flowers covered in shit to help them grow. #LetThatSinkIn and then save yourself before you sink.
You deserve more than a nigga gassing up your emotions and leaving ALL the rest of you to drown in what you wish were true. You deserve more than questions, especially those unanswered. You deserve more than a metaphoric collision of ears and hope. More than symbolism in word form, more than like or as, more than a poetic number somersaulting off of his lips in believable fashion –
…more than a mouth fashion statement.
More than a subject and a predicate with no recognizable verb, more than “a lie covered in handsomely hidden tracks”, more than what he thinks will make you get them legs in the air. More than a number dialed by accident. …
….more than bullshit.
You deserve more than bullshit.
You deserve more than the WORDS I Love You, hanging loosely on lip threads that die away after a carmex application. You deserve more than the words I Love You that are followed by actions of Who Are You?
You deserve an i love you in the front of the church pew, science class or even the baseball diamond. You deserve ringed fingers (if that’s your thing) or at the very least a trustworthy agreement between each other. You deserve monogamy. Folks say it’s not normal but what’s not normal is bed hopping in a time where folks don’t like condoms, AIDS is running rampant and break babies and side pieces are trendy. You deserve to FEEL what is spoken to you. You deserve to hold hands. Have embraces where you literally feel love exchanging bodies and forms and diving in and out of you both. You deserve to make love: not JUST sexually, but in general. The two of you should be MAKING LOVE at every stop and go in your life. Make it beautiful. Make it simple. Make it strong. Make it guided, grounded and understandable. Make love last. Make love eternal. Make love immortal. Make love together.
Make up – nothing. Only live in the truth and the truth is an I Love You spoken is just as whored out as the biggest Pimp’s bottom bitch. Stop accepting i love you’s from the halls of fools gold mines, tucked behind broke-heart mountains. We gotta take back our hearts. We gotta take back our NEED for love. Love should never make you feel bad about yourself or your decisions, so if that’s how you feel with him, then his ‘I love you’ isn’t capable of being true.
We have to remember that we ARE love, therefore, anyone giving us a lesser version of ourselves is already striking out.
Nina Simone said it best: “We have to learn to leave the table when love is no longer being served”. You deserve not to be served food on trashcan lids, or worse, eating air on porcelin plates.
You deserve I love you in the form of action. Those three words should only be a verbal reminder of the constant energy being served.
You deserve MORE-
– way more-
than JUST an I Love You for your ear.
You deserve “love not found clinging to the surfaces of teaspoons ”