Sips from My Lemonade: Cognizance

I tried to have your baby

You know,

For shits and giggles of love. Thinking ready I was

And us were a permanent,

But pauvre de moi,

I’m broken from past choices with old voices who spoke the same love language as you

I speak in a tongue not found in any of the male dick fairies that have tickled my fallopian tubes with useless matter,

I tried again with you

Believing in words you spoke like they were bespoke with the art of love,

Not war

The love of God,

Not just man,

I thought it was us praying together but you wore an E and I an A, s

So we ended up on this benched team of rivals

Chasing the same ball with different goals in mind,

I left my perfume in the fools gold mineshaft and for some reason, I keep returning to pick it up

But I never run off

I’m soft like a pillows kiss on sleepy cheeks, a bit weak and keep falling for these meek run of the mill, L collecting cheap thrill ass niggas and when I love, its not for temporary

Or for weak minded  criminal bound heart thugs yet I find me entangled in another All Night Long song,

Trying to “kiss up and rub up and feel up” on a brick wall with a Cheshire smile

And to believe I danced with changing my life by creating life with you

Trying to be a wife to you as you approached a bent knee status before planting a symbol on my hollow ring finger

But silly me, I’ve known better since at least age 33

You can only turn a liar into a house pipe, not a husband

And even then you better be careful with your loving because of he’s shoving that dick in anything beyond you,

Treating his semen to vanilla pudding,

Then it’s possible that what he’s putting in you might end you or at least bend you backwards into a broken status,

This is how anger boils over on the stove

I’d place your hand face down on the hot top if I thought it would stop my bitter from turning me sour,

I am nothing but collateral damage to your destructive ways

Sitting for days on end

Stewing

Brewing concoctions of what if I just, but knowing karma is best if left alone to develop in it’s own time

So I poem you

Again and again

Lost on whether or not I believe you were ever my friend although I doubt none that I was your indeed.

Kissing your seed like it was mint chocolate ice cream

Ironic that my cherry wasn’t enough for you to blossom

Wanna know something fucked up?

I wanted to be knocked up so I could abort it in your face

Leave you with a taste of mud on your lying tongue,

Hanging you to dry and laughing at the way you swing, feet kicking,

Searching for a ground to stand on for breathe

But instead caught in gravity’s pulling web juxtaposed with the tree’s protruding limb, remember when you left me to walk home in the dark, pouring rain, just like him –

Like the ex who left me out of town? Yeah.

If you were drowning, I’d swim past yo’ ass on a backstroke with a blunt in tow

You still like to smoke?

I’d blow you a shotgun but I’m not sure if I’m still talking marijuana.

This Is Not A Test or a joke,

I’m real.

I’m human

I’m woman.

And truth is, I’m still hurting.

And you are beast who zipped into my life with a briefcase of bullshit to slather on me and call it Jergens.

Ya fucking Jerk.

You were a kilo of dirt sent to bury me but I can breathe underground now and I dug my way out

….you should have just hit me

Those bruises would be gone by now

And the memories would be placed in a repressed file somewhere too far to be easily accessed but you chose to kill me in my chest and then cut me on my arms

And my across my stomach

With blood trickling down my leg, you stopped to give me head and say I love you

And I laid back every time

Watching you be led by your penis and talking out the side of your mouth

You chewed me up for sport

And called it sentiments.

I’m lucky I got out.

I’m lucky I never carried for you,

Another version of you.

For if he were male, I’d surely be doomed.

Not to mention forever attached to you

To someone who

Looked me in my eyes

And promised to treat me delicately.

Then proceeded to throw the whole damn war at me.

I arise from the mine for THE last time, dirty and disheveled but still alive and in good health.

I hope that loose change feels good in your ass,

Congratulations my G,

You played your fucking self.

~jY

 

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